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Something Is Very Wrong February 8, 2010

Posted by Fiona in Bwargh, Durham, Law, University.
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Braindump whine.  Better than usual, you won’t find the words ‘tired’, ‘theatre’ or ‘essay’ in it anywhere, but don’t let that deter you.  Cheers!

I feel like I’m split in three at the moment.

The first third is the me that I know because I’ve always been like this: who went to see Nick Clegg speak the other day and still wants to put (=love) after saying that, and who smiled at the political rhetoric, but took the good ideas very seriously.  This third has also taken this business with the Union Society to heart and is currently thinking: freedom of speech?  Um, guys?  This is not on, really, is it?  Where’s the crusade and why am I not at the front of it?

The second third – and they’re not equal sized, this one is very much bigger than the last – is the me that can’t get my head around the fuss.  I just feel anaesthetised to it all, to all the things I should have done but haven’t, to all the things I should feel impassioned about because I always have done and I thought I stood for them, but really, all I feel like saying is ENTER THE DRAMA LLAMA STAGE LEFT, FURORE CHAPS, ACTUAL FURORE, CALM DOWN IT’S A COMMERCIAL.  The part which thinks that any protest led by students is a cliché.  The part who laughs at the politics, the Facebook groups, the spiel.  The part who thinks I’m turning Tory in my dotage and people should just look after themselves.  (The first third is terrified of this.)  The part who is slowly but surely rejecting John Maynard Keynes in favour of Milton Friedman – I didn’t think this was possible in me, I’m turning into a speeded-up cliché of 1970s macroeconomics, but you know what?  Sterile.  Lots of things would be nice if they’re true.  So what if the French are busy being closet xenophobes?  None of my business.  What are you all complaining about?  There are more important things to worry about, even if I have no idea what thy are.  My response to anything and everything at the moment is basically character assassination.

The third part is trying to rationalise the second, by saying that I’m busy, I’m hormonal, I’m worried about the future, anything except for that this horrible, cynical, callous, uncaring person is actually me.  I’m second-guessing myself again.  This part of me has been here for a long time as well, and as always happens when I get a bit stressed, it keeps moaning that I just want to get out of this place in life and this person because I don’t know how I got here and I hate it. That’s not entirely true.  But I do think I’ve screwed up too much so far.

But still, the second part of me is largest.  They said to me, you know, at the beginning of my course, that I’d turn into this kind of person: the sort who rejects natural law, the sort who analyses things and bases their merits on the end result, who doesn’t like excess drama or imprecision.  And I, like the rest of the people on my course, duly yelled NEVAR! and shook my fist, and promised that I would always care about people and freedom and justice above all else, because that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing, because I subscribe to the Atticus Finch School of Law.

I can only find it funny that I’ve turned into a cynic who  seems desperate to stay out of the realms of cliché, because they told me this is what I’d do.  How gloriously ironic.

I still can’t bring myself to join all these Facebook groups about referenda and PROTEST! though.

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Comments»

1. annadegenhardt - February 8, 2010

facebook groups always have an air of childish futility though. I remain sceptical that anything on facebook can change the world. Although then again Twitter did kind of help with the whole super-injunction-on-the-guardian thing.

At least you have informed opinions, unlike me, who believes what I believe but couldn’t really tell you why, and I change my mind every time I come under conflict anyway…

xxx

2. Martin - February 9, 2010

Well at least you aren’t an advocate of ‘referendums [sic]’. 🙂

3. Jenny - February 11, 2010

I think… we are all a lot more idealistic when we’re younger. ANd it doesn’t mean that because you’re less idealistic now that you’re turning Tory, it just means that you’re a bit more realistic. And you do still care about the things that matter but you can see why facebook groups and student protests just don’t really change anything – becuase they don’t, they really don’t, or at least, very rarely, and when a student protest about something you care about is going on and going *somewhere* and changing things I haven’t a doubt in my head that you’ll be there at the front of it yelling things about referenda :P. And I will be right there beside you. But at the moment – yes, we do care about these issues. But we don’t have a hope in hell of doing anything about them, and we don’t waste time believing that we might. And one day, hopefully, we will be able to make things change – or at least, you will. I’ll be on the dole or something.

4. Fiona - February 11, 2010

I suppose so. It’s still kind of a bit sad – and a few days ago it was really, really disconcerting. Hormones + voyage of self-rediscovery = effective explosion of 2am hysterics. Absolutely textbook.

5. Jenny - February 16, 2010

If I was a man I’d probably say something like ‘blah blah blah testicles’ at this point (hello Coupling references…) but I am neither a man nor randomly mean when actually I completely agree with you. Self-(re)discovery plus hormones = total insanity, temporarily.


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